


Love Once, Love Always. Fell Once, Fall Harder.

by AnimeQueenFairyTail



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anxiety, Child Abuse, College....sorta, Dear Evan Hansen References, Depression, F/F, F/M, Hamilton References, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage, Past Child Abuse, Post-Squip, Secret Crush, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-19 22:53:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11907897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnimeQueenFairyTail/pseuds/AnimeQueenFairyTail
Summary: I wrote this after I listened to all the Be More Chill songs and the song Satisfied from Hamilton. Michael is basically Angelica. Enjoy.





	1. Love Once

Michael looked at Jeremy who rambled about Christine. Jeremy had finally got the courage to ask her on a date. Jeremy’s grin was bright and blinding. His energy gave Michael a better high than weed ever could. “We’re going to the movie a-and then we’ll get ice cream and walk around the park.” He sighed dreamily. Michael chuckled, letting a sad smile slip. It disappeared as quick as it came. He put a hand on his (love’s) shoulder.

 

“I’m proud of you, dude.” The words were true and genuine, so was the cracks spreading in him. _‘If only.’_  He loves the grin Jeremy shoots at him.

 

“Thanks Michael!” He grabs the game controllers, handing one to Michael. “Ready for level 12?” Nodding to the TV with Apocalypse of the damned.

 

They spent the night playing, getting through 3 more levels before they both laid for bed. Jeremy fast asleep snoring softly next to him, Michael stared longingly. He combed his fingers through Jeremy’s soft curls. A content sigh left the taller, Michael’s breath escaped lungs. Michael thought back to when he finally realized his feelings for the beautiful being next to him.

 

_Half way through the first semester of Fifth grade, Michael’s thoughts were constantly filled with Jeremy, as was his time. The two have been joined at the hip since they meet in Kindergarten. Nothing and no one could tear them apart. Recently, though Michael has been seeing Jeremy in a different light. His stomach flutters when he hugs him, and his face feels hot when he smiles or laughs at one of his jokes. He gets nervous and excited to show him a new game he got._

_It took Michael a few weeks and an incident to name what and why he was having these feelings and thoughts._

_Jeremy invited Michael to come stay the weekend. To Jeremy it was just another weekend to spend with his best friend, while Michael thought continuously about the weird tingle left on his arm where Jeremy’s arm was wrapped around.  The duo was heading to Jeremy’s house, Michael already had a bag packed. Jeremy waved his free arm around wildly, talking excitedly about the Nintendo 64 his dad found along with some old games. They arrived at the front door, Jeremy unlocking it, preceding to drag Michael upstairs to his room. The smaller barely able to shut the door. Jeremy opens his door, still pulling Michael along, and 2 steps in Michael crashes roughly to the floor, tripping over the bed leg. He hears Jeremy move towards him. He goes to open his eyes when a body landed on him. Something soft touches his lips, its then that he opens his eyes. Jeremy’s face is inches away and its **his lips** on him. Jeremy snapped back, face flushed pink lightly. Michael’s was on fire, he was surprised he didn’t explode right then. His stomach erupted into butterflies and everything was **numb** , and-oh god, **everything made sense now** -he is crushing on his **best friend**. He flushed harder-if that’s even possible at this point-as the thought flew through his mind on repeat. **‘I’ve got a crush on Jeremy. Jeremy, my best friend of forever.’** All he wanted right then was curl up into a ball and hide. While his realization swam through his brain, Jeremy stuttered out an apology._

_“Oh-oh my god! M-Michael, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t think that would happen. I just we-went to help you u-up, when I fell a-and…just….Sorry!” He looked hopefully to Michael, who just got out of his daze, tears in the corners of his eyes. Michael’s heart dropped at the sight, his stomach twisting violently. Jeremy moved to get up thinking he lost his only friend, a few tears slipping._

_Michael grabbed his wrist. “No! I-It’s fine, Jer. A-Accidents happen.” He pulled slightly, hoping his words and actions reassured him. Jeremy sat down, closer to Michael._

_“Is it really fine? You’re not mad at me?”_

_Michael swiped the stray tears off his cheeks. “I could never be mad at you. You’re my best friend, my player 2.”_

_“Hey! How come I’m player 2?”_

_“Because I said so.” Michael grinned smugly._

_“How about we decide this through a race. Whoever wins best 2 out of 3 rounds, is player 1?” Michael grinned grabbing the controller out of his hand._

_“You’re on.”_

Michael smiled at the memory. His hand still slowly moving through Jeremy’s curls. There’s barely any space between them, that it was like they were together. Jeremy’s breath fanned over Michael’s neck. Michael laid down watching Jeremy before closing his eyes to attempt to sleep.

 

Michael was the first to emerge from sleep. A haze over his mind. He quickly registered a pair of arms wrapped around his waist. He opened his eyes and his heart stopped, breath gone. It was nothing new that Jeremy hugged (read: cuddle) him in his sleep, but that didn’t mean his face wouldn’t flush, makes his heart stop or skip a beat, or steal his breath away everytime. Michael slowly and reluctantly pulls away from Jeremy. Jeremy stays asleep, a sigh leaving him. Michael made his way up stairs, grabbing pancake mix, chocolate chips and a pan to make breakfast. Michael did this to calm himself. It relaxes his heart, unties the knots in his stomach, brings his face to normal and brings his breath back. Waking so close to the object of his affection isn’t go for his health, but Jeremy was drug that he just can’t shake. The high to good to drop. Shortly after he’s calm and breakfast almost done, Jeremy walks down-or up if at Michael’s house-like a zombie to the kitchen. He grins sleepily at him, which does _nothing_ to still his heart. A yawn slips and Jeremy says, “You know, anybody would be really lucky to have you as their husband or boyfriend. I know I’m glad to have you.” Michael would the zone in on the food, face red, stomach tying itself up once again, heart pounding. Michael had fallen hard and he knows that. It makes it all the harder to deal with. He laughs it off and serves the food. No matter how hard he tries to stave down the feelings, it never works. His chest still twists with jealousy when he talks with or about Christine. He still felt like he was on cloud 9 when Jeremy smiled at him. Michael looks up at Jeremy from across the table, smiling softly at his tried friend. Michael knows he loves him, and he always will. Even though he knows they would never be returned. Even though he knows he has his on someone else. Even with how much it hurts, he’ll never leave him. That would hurt worse than his feelings not beings recuperated.


	2. Love Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Michael is in pain and no one is around to hear it, does anyone truly see it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to this while writing this. This song is basically my muse for this chapter.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ij-DxrJkap8
> 
> I also forgot the angst tag when I started this so yeah, there's that too.

Michael flopped on his bed, a heavy sigh heaving from his lungs. He stared up at his ceiling, wondering how he got to where he is now. Another sigh left his lungs. His chest got heavier and heavier with each breath taken. Junior year ended 3 months ago, summer was coming to a close and Jeremy and Christine’s relationship has been going strong and he is happy for him, he really is. But his heart didn’t seem to think the same thing. Michael’s stomach twisted with each touch. He felt sick with each kiss, each overly sweet goodbye, each hug exchanged and everyday he wished it was _him_. Michael wanted each soft touch to be between them, each kiss, each overly sweet goodbye, each hug, but he knows it’ll never happen. Everyday he let Jeremy talk on and on about their current date, or what new cute thing that he would find out about, and each time ended with him snorting and calling him a dork. While his heart cracked more and more. Michael everyday hoped that they would break up so he could have a chance but immediately shoves it to the side. Wanting them to break up made him just as sick and guilty. Michael’s fingers found perch under the cuffs of his hoodie, fingers finding ruff and uneven skin. Old scars littered his arm. The more he stayed there thinking, feeling, the more he wanted to add to the collection. Maybe this time the pain will stave it off-the compelling feeling to tell Jeremy everything and ruin their friendship-and he could deal with it more than before. Their friendship, the only thing actually keeping him from going too far. Michael got up and walked to the bathroom. He grabbed his razor, pulling up his sleeves. He pushed the razor against his skin, and dragged across the others. He added more and more until he realized he was crying. He stopped, looking at the mess. He turned the faucet on, putting his arm under the icy water. He had been clean for almost 4 months before…...before Jeremy started dating Christine. Before Jeremy left him again for his new friends and the girl he’s been pining for. After Jeremy saved him the first time and only time he thought about killing himself. Michael had hit a major low and didn’t think he’d ever be able to come back from it, but Jeremy. Michael backed up to the wall of the bathroom, slowly sliding down it, dragging his legs to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs. Jeremy is-was- the only thing that could keep the thoughts away. Nothing hurt more the being abandoned for a second time. He heard phone go off, making a grab for it. He saw Jeremy’s name and face on the screen, for a second, before the call was canceled. Michael’s heart clenched tightly. A hole in his chest widen, swallowing more of his confidence. More tears fell down his cheeks. Hiccups wracked his body. _‘Jeremy doesn’t want me. He doesn’t need me anymore. He has Jake, Rich, Chloe, Brooke, Jenna and-and **Christine**.’_ His hands shot to his hair, grabbing handfuls, yanking, pulling. He opened his mouth, letting a scream spring from his lungs, rip past his lips. Tears cascading into streams, rivers, down his face. The scream died, turning into more pitiful sobs. His mind broken, his heart _shattered_. His pulse picked up, his breathing became ragged. He dove into the depths of his mind, the darkness swallowing him whole. And he didn’t want to escape this time.

 _Eighth grade was fine, for awhile. Michael’s chest would jump out of pace, with just one look from Jeremy. It was getting worse, and he didn’t know how to stop it. He didn’t know how to deal with it. Jeremy started noticing something different about him, but couldn’t place it. He wanted to help his friend but it was hard to do when he won’t say anything to him._  
_**(5:28pm) Player Two:** Hey_  
_**(5:28pm) Player Two:** Is everything ok?_  
_**(5:29pm) Player Two:** You’ve seem a bit off the past couple weeks_  
_Jeremy waited for a reply. He busied himself with homework, he did have an essay to work on. He sat at his desk, staring blankly at his paper, pencil tapping on his desk. He kept glancing at his phone, hoping to see a response, but none were there. It was getting close to 7, when Jeremy grabbed his phone, keys and jacket, yelling to his dad that he was heading to Michael’s. He didn’t wait for a reply, before dashing out the front door. He sprinted down the sidewalk, racing towards Michael’s house. When he got close he saw no cars in the driveway, thinking they might be out, but ridding that thought when he saw the basements lights on. Jeremy grabbed the door knob, surprised to find it unlocked. He closed the door once inside and locking it. He went down the stairs two or three at a time. He reached the bottom not seeing his friend anywhere. “Michael?” He called softly at first, waiting to try and hear him. “Michael?” He rose his voice a little louder, and he heard a shuffle in the bathroom. Jeremy walked over to see it slightly ajar. Pressing his hand to it, slowly opening it. A gasp left him, when he looked at his friend on the floor. Curled into a ball on the floor, his hoddie tossed into the bath tub. His arms are covered in cuts, and burns and bruises. The blood dripped from his arms, a small splash and quiet drip being the only sounds. Jeremy dropped down onto his knees, into the small red pool. He grabbed Michael’s arm, letting go just as fast when he cried and started begging._

 

 _“Please.” Michael’s voice was quiet, wavering slightly. His body trembled. He just looked so **broken**. “Please, stop. Please, just end everything. No more beatings, no more burns, no more cuts, **no more breathing**. Just….._ _**Please**.” Jeremy sucked in a breath. ‘ **What?’** What did he mean? Beatings? Did his- **oh god, please don’t let it be true**. He grabbed Michael’s arm causing him to thrash. He pulled away, back hitting the bath tub. He looked up, one eye shut tight, the other slightly open. Michael’s eyes snapped open seeing Jeremy looking at him, hurt and worry in his eyes. Jeremy’s arms open wide and inviting. Michael’s lip trembled. More tears fell heavy. He launched himself into Jeremy’s chest. His shoulders shook, loud sobs left him with each breath. Jeremy wrapped his arms around his friend tightly, pulling him close. He rubbed circles on his back, waiting patiently for him calm down. When Michael’s sobs turned to small hiccups every now and then, Jeremy moved towards the cabinets, grabbing the first aid kit. He held a hand out towards Michael, silently asking for his arm. Michael slowly lifted it, letting him grab him wrist. Jeremy poured water onto a cloth and wiped away the blood. Jeremy silently worked on Michael’s wounds. Pained whimpers slip passed Michael’s lip. When Jeremy packed the supplies back up, Michael watched. He had piece of gauze taped to him cheek, being the only thing big enough to cover the cigarette burn. His arms wrapped tightly in white wrappings, that are slowly turning red from the blood seeping through. Jeremy turned back to him with a smile, his breath gone and he wished **his damned heart would be still.** He looked at the titled floor and muttered under his breath. Jeremy cocked his head confused._

 

_“Can you speak up, please Michael? I couldn’t hear you.”_

 

_Michael hesitated. “I said…..What did I do to deserve you as my friend? You shouldn’t have to deal with this stuff.”_

 

_Jeremy stared shocked. He grabbed Michael’s shoulders, making him look at him. “I would rather deal with this stuff **with** you than let you do it by yourself. You’re my best friend and I don’t know what I’d without you, Micah. Please, don’t **ever** think I won’t be there for you, I care about you too much.” Michael stared, disbelieving. He nodded silently, letting his head land on Jeremy’s shoulder. Jeremy bit his lip. “Do…Do you want to tell me what happened? I won’t push if you don’t want to, but I’m here if you do.”_

 

_Michael let a small smile spread. “Don’t you mean Heere?” Jeremy snorted, his smile back. They sat there staring at one another. Jeremy gave him a questioning looking. Michael sighed. “My parents, they…..they abuse me sometimes. Not everyday or anything, just when they get drunk.” It wasn’t lie, but it wasn’t the full truth. “They always regret it when they’re sober. They never realize that they did it, so I let it pass and forgive them.” Now, that was a big ass lie. Jeremy seemed to buy it and that’s what matters._

 

 _“Ok, just don’t forget to come to me if they get to much. I don’t you in any pain. At all, even if they are you’re Michael. Alright?” Jeremy looked at him expectantly. Michael nodded and forced smile onto his features, hoping he’d believe him and he did. “Alright. Well, how about we pack you a bag and you come stay over at my place?” Michael agreed and watched him walk away, smile slipping and falling. ‘ **Life isn’t going to be easy with him. Master thief. The only one who can take my heart and breath without**_ **_knowing.'_ **

 

Michael heard distant thuds, thinking it was himself. That is until the bathroom door slammed open. He immediately thought it was his parents and started to cower and whimper. No words leaving him. A gentle hand landed on his shoulder, causing him peer up. He saw Jeremy first, tears pricking the corner of his eyes coupled with worry and relief in them. Behind him he saw Rich grabbing Jake’s shirt. Chloe had her hand covering her mouth in shock. Brooke was close to the same as her girlfriend, just that she had tears in her eyes. A few tears already fell down Christine’s cheeks. Jenna looked on in shock. Jeremy shook Michael hoping to get him to respond. Michael looked back to him. “Oh god, Michael. I was so worried. I thought you were gone.” Jeremy pulled him into a hug, squeezing him tight. “Please never do that again. I couldn’t lose you.”

 

“Did you guys come here just to make sure I was still breathing?” Michael wasn’t sure if he should upset that they drove here just cause he didn’t answer his phone or if happy they came here to keep him from losing himself.

 

“No way! We called to see if you wanted hang today, but you didn’t and Jeremy started getting fidgety. Saying, ‘Please ok, please ok’, over and over.” Rich explained. “He got us all worried when he did that and we can see why.” Rich knelled down to the floor wrapping his arms around Michael as well. Christine joined shortly after, then the rest joined in. Michael’s shoulders shook, streams covered his cheeks again. He wrapped his around his arms around the first two he could-which was Jeremy and Brooke- and sobbed into Jake’s collar. _‘They **do** care. They do want me.’_ His thoughts brought him back to what cause all this. Christine was crying over him, yet when she got so lovey with Jeremy his stomach could do nothing but tie itself up. _‘Why did fate have to be so damn cruel with bringing Jeremy into my life?’_ He thought about all his happy memories and painful with Jeremy and he thought it was worth it. _‘Even if fate makes it hard for me, as long they’re with me, I’ll be fine. I know I will.’_


End file.
